Cheeks is nearly six months old now.
Six months, and my life has changed so completely.
It’s crazy how completely in fact.
New Years Eve last year, I declared 2013 as my year. I swore things were going to go my way, and that changes were going to be made. But… I never could have predicted the shift my life would wind up making. Never in a million years.
Even at my emergency baby shower, I was still living that life. Drinking, flirting, getting rowdy, and let’s not forget the mechanical bull…
That was what I was doing in the days before Cheeks arrived.
Yet now? It seems like another life. Another girl. Another world entirely.
I was at the grocery store with Cheeks last night, picking up a handful of things on our ever growing list. We were both freshly showered, after a spit-up incident I would rather not discuss, but besides being clean – I was in my full mom uniform. Yoga pants and a t-shirt, Cheeks strapped against me in her Ergo, my wet hair piled on top of my head, and not an ounce of makeup to be found.
Mom mode, at its finest.
As I stood in the middle of an aisle contemplating what all we needed, I looked up and made eye contact with a familiar face. A familiar face I couldn’t quite place at first, just because it didn’t seem to fit here, in my mommy zone. But in an instant, a relic from that other life was walking right towards us.
I realized quickly that I had only ever seen him out at the bars. Or in my bed, during that one 24 hour period where for a brief moment the junior high crush I had been harboring almost seemed mutual… At the grocery store though, with my baby girl against me, it just felt odd. And while I likely could have found 1000 different ways to be charming and intelligent as we spoke, I instead stumbled over my words, searching for things to talk about while wondering if he was going to ask the inevitable – just where had this baby come from?
He never did, my guess is because he already knew. Small town, mutual friends, social media – word travels fast. I, on the other hand, must have asked him “how’s life” at least 3 separate times.
I am an awkward person.
As much as it pains me to admit that, there is no denying it. It’s so depressing too, because when people get to know me – I swear they realize how awesome I am. Most of the time at least. But initially; all awkward. And while I have known this guy for long enough that we should be past that awkward stage, the fact is that the number of times I have embarrassed myself around him only increases the intensity of my awkwardness. Leaving me to walk away thinking of all the charming and intelligent things I could have said, had I not been so busy giving vague explanations of what I’ve got going on and continually asking him “how’s life?”
Awkward.
He, of course, was incredibly sweet – a nice guy through and through. Which is probably just one of the many reasons I’ve always had this junior high crush on him. Probably why I always will too. He’s just a nice guy.
A really, truly, insanely good looking nice guy.
Who I have made an ass of myself in front of on far too many occasions.
It was weird though, having the guy I used to chase around at bars standing there, talking to me about my daughter in the middle of a grocery store.
My two world’s colliding, and me scrambling to remember which girl I now am.
All the while blushing and stumbling over my words like an awkward 13 year old.
Classy-class all the way.
I got home with Cheeks and put away the groceries before settling down with her to play. The kid has been making some moves lately. I wouldn’t call it crawling exactly, but she can cover some space when she sets her mind to it. And she is always so ridiculously proud of herself for inching her way from one spot to another. So there we were on the floor, her huffing and puffing as she made strides towards me, and she looks up and just giggles. This perfect and sweet laugh that erupted out of her in a pure moment of happiness.
It melted me.
My kid melts me.
I would choose this life, this world, and even this girl I now am over the old one any day.
Without question.
Do I still wish I would have thought to at least put on a touch of mascara and blush before going to the grocery store? Or that I could have formulated more compelling conversation beyond repeatedly asking “How’s life?”
Of course.
But would I trade anything I’ve got today, even for the one and only mythical unicorn?
Absolutely not.
The man is gorgeous. And kind. And I am pretty sure I will always have a junior high crush on him.
But he doesn’t have a thing on my daughters giggles.
And there isn’t even the smallest part of me that wants to go back to being that girl, drinking too much and chasing boys around bars.
It’s about time they start chasing me in fact. I’m even fairly confident that when the time is right, one of them will.
And if whoever that guy is can keep up with me and Cheeks… I might even let him catch us.
Only if he’s extra lucky though.
Because the two of us?
We’re quite the catch.